Wait a
minute. Am I really seeing this? I'm at the gym, pedaling away furiously on
the recumbent bicycle and my headphone jack is plugged in to the television. There's a commercial. There's Kevin Nealon, an alum of Saturday
Night Live. There's Arnold Palmer, who
needs to introduction. There's a
handsome young race car driver dressed in his jump suit. And there's a ten foot tall basketball
star. They are driving in two golf
carts, side by side. Kevin says,
"You know, with Xebelta I didn't
even need a blood test. With other blood thinners I need a doctor's
appointment."
Arnold, in
the other cart, responds, "I love the convenience of Xebelta."
The ten
foot tall basketball star says, "Xebelta gives results without
waiting."
Race car
driver replies, "And there's fewer side effects with Xebelta!"
Kevin gives
Arnold a High Five and the two golf carts drive off into the sunset.
Then
there's a lot of fine print at the bottom of the screen and a fast-talking
voice says,"Xebelta has been known to cause liver damage, double vision,
really stinky farts, plummeting blood pressure, hallucinations of Nazi skulls
and dried tear ducts. If you begin
seeing crimson giraffes, call your doctor.
If you die suddenly try to call Nine One One before you hit the
floor."
I DID see
that commercial. I have not been taking
Xebelta. I think there's something
wrong with the world. Does Arnold
Palmer need the money? Maybe Kevin
does, maybe he's got a raging coke habit or six greedy ex-wives, but I don't
think the Nascar guy or the ten foot tall guy need money bad enough to appear
in a commercial for a possibly lethal blood thinner.
I have
noticed an increase in commercials for pharmaceutical products, most of which
may apply to an aging demographic. The increase is not slow, it's headlong and
aggressive, with new marketing hitting the media almost daily. There's an insidious message underlying all
these new medications: we are sick. We
are getting sicker. We need a lot of
medication. We need to be ever more
vigilant for heart disease, cancer, stroke, hypoglycemia, diabetes, Gout,
Porfiria and Recalcitrant Plebny. Not
only are we getting sicker but there are new diseases appearing, new diseases
that need new medicines with which to fill the pockets of the Big Pharm
industry. Crohn's Disease is a
favorite. We've all heard of Crohn's
Disease. But what the F is Purple
Flamyglitis? What is Filinson's
Syndrome? Did these disorders appear
out of the ethers? Did they migrate across the oceans from Asia and
Africa?
I'm a
little upset because I don't like subliminal marketing even when it's perfectly
liminal. The PRODUCT is in front of us,
it's in the advertisement. The IMPLICATION works more subliminally, the
constant elbowing in the guts with the concept that WE ARE SICK AND GETTING
SICKER ALL THE TIME.
I DO NOT
LIKE THAT!
Shame on
you, Kevin Nealon. Shame! You're
supposed to be a comedian, not a pimp for Xebelto.
I won't
waste my time shaking my finger at Big Pharm.
They have no shame.
