You
can't fall apart when things go wrong.
And when I say "go wrong" I mean badly wrong, way wrong. The loss of a job, the death of a loved one,
a diagnosed illness: that kind of wrong.
You can't fall apart.
It's
difficult not to fall apart. We don't
control our emotions. Grief, despair,
depression, are creatures with wills of their own and they seem to take over
the daily habits that normally sustain us.
How do I NOT fall apart? How do
I fight back and regain my dignity after chucking it into the trash, after
curling into a fetal position and going "waaaah?!"
The
answer is "ANY WAY YOU CAN!"
I thought to do some writing, and I ended up writing this. Which will take about five minutes. I wanted to work on my novel in progress and
I sat staring at the page feeling waves of anxiety streaking through my
innards. It's difficult to write
through waves of anxiety. I'll make it.
I'll get there.
Last
year a man died suddenly. He was the
man who provided me with three quarters of my contracting work. Three quarters of my income vanished
overnight. Then I had a health scare.
Things began going to pieces, one little piece at a time. It works that way, sometimes. It isn't one big thing; more like a lot of
little things until it seems that nothing will ever go right again.
That's
the voice of depression speaking, saying "It's done, you're finished,
nothing good is going to happen to you."
As a grizzled veteran of the fight against depression I understand the
feeling that a low emotional state is permanent. It isn't. But you can't
fall apart. You have to fight back.
If
you've got any energy, go clean something.
That often works well to lighten the mood. Or, better, go help someone who is in trouble. Service is one of the great anti-depressants
in our tool box. The effort of getting
up may seem like fighting through the eye-wall of a hurricane, but once beyond
that obstacle there's a world of hurt out there. It puts our personal pain into
perspective.
Just
don't give up. You may fall apart for a
while; but you can get back up to renew the effort to heal yourself. You can.
Just do it.
