The Ambassador to my Head has notified me that the illegal migration of the Scalp Cover Tribe to adjoining countries has taken on such alarming proportions that urgent intervention is needed. Debate in the Congress, Knesset and Duma centers around whether to send in the Rapid Response Force from the international consortium Hair Club For Men. There is much political opposition to this move; the public fears too high a casualty rate. The air war has failed, however. Suspension of low-level attacks from the A-10 Grecian Formula squadrons have had no effect. Senator Balding has suggested a high intensity Rogaine attack, lasting three months. Premier Loksov, however, bristles at this suggestion, since all Rogaine manufacturing complexes exist in the Western Bloc. The Premier advocates saturating the Crown Region with Vodka, a time tested Russian remedy. Meanwhile, Hair Club troops are massing at the borders with their implant tools. Reinforcements from Guido’s Toupee Emporium and reservists from the Comb-Over Cartel are also approaching from the south.
Diplomatic remedies have failed. The Scalp Cover tribes are adamant that they will migrate from the top of the head to the shoulders and upper back. Civil authorities are preparing escape routes should the war be lost and the Big Hair Clans over-run not only the upper back but reach the lower back, with renegade tribes popping out of the nose and ears.
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